BOO! hehehe, Happy Halloween! I'm so bored, I've already done two loads of laundery. Yuck. And my ears are starting to hurt my head but I don't want to take the headband off. My dad got home ....hey more tricker treaters, heheh, Atic, and Andrew, nice ppl I knew...newaz my dad got home a while ago so I could technically go out now, but I can't cuz Dan isn't at home and I'm too lazy to call his cell. Tho i guess since my mom left the dog I still have to run to the dorr cuz he's holding her from going crazy.

God! My mom just told me that my cousin told my aunt that i said that Richard was stalking me and she just saw his car start to come round the corner then saw her and drove away. Now I'm starting to wonder if it isn't my imagination....And she won't be too happy either if he is and he'll ruin any chance of being friends that way. Jesus Christ...

It's Halloween and I can't get candy, I can't go out yet, and I'm doing laundry, how pathetic, well hopefully Dan ( yes you) Derek and Matt come save me soon tho I highly doubt it since it's only 7:50 or so. Door bell....Wow what kinda kid goes tricker treating on their own? (minus my sister, she's just a loser) GAh! I'm so bored....Come get me Dan, I'm sending Telepathic message to you.....GOD, thats the 3rd time Quinn has come back and made me run up the stairs and past the dog, and round the corner just to open the door for her, stupid little child....Anywaz Telepathic message are saying you miss Noelle for some odd reason go visit her, and take her away from boring hell hole.

Quite Smitten....god mom what kind of word is that, he was quite smitten hehehe, course Richard was....But i don't want him following me...GAH! Right mom he shouldn't be doing that.....I'll stop ranting now.

Hehehehe, I want to eat sugar, BUT i didn't really eat any dinner again so I don't wanna be sick so I'll eat it when I get back L8r, if i ever get out of this house...:DWighful thinking ain't it....no1 is coming to rescue me....*pout*pout*POUT*............So steph it was nice talking to you earlier, I'm glad your not mad, cuz then I'd feel bad plus it just wouldn't be a good thing now would it. I'm now on my 3rd load....and one drying. My finger hurts, I poked a poppy needle really deep into it, didn't realize i was doing it tho. Well I'll leave you guys to peace, and I dunno go listen to some Puddle of Mudd.
~*me*~

Why can't I breath, whenever I think about you. Why can't I speak, whenever I talk about you. Why can't i sleep, whenever I dream about you.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Thanx, I don't got much to say this time either.
~*Me*~

the_texan_5@hotmail.com

Well Dan I think you've finally convinced me. I wanna say thank u for killing yourself to come see me, it was sweet. I enjoyed it, minus the dying on your part.newaz i don't got notin else to say other than I have always believed you, I just can't believe it's real. Guess I'll see you tommorrow:D
~*ME*~

P.S Steph I'm sorry, I wanna talk to you, can i have your e-mail adress?

looks like i'm back here, my little corner where i can type as i wish and not worry about the critisums of others. no one is talking to me again, doesn't seem to be a new feeling. For some reason this happens to me all the time. The people i care abou most are always the ones that seem to leave me. no matter what i say or do i cant get anything right, just when i think things are getting better i have to go and fuck things up. steph i have done some thinking, and i'm gonna tell you that i do know what is going on. i like noelle, wether she likes me or not, or wether she wants to accept it. in the last two months, her and i have grown so close, become best of friends, she has always brought a smile to my face. we have had some good times, but i suddenly think that, thats all gone... because i couldn't come up to you and tell you.... when i said i didn't know how i felt i was tellin the truth, cuz i didn't know how to put it and how to tell you. but as it stands my heart is going ou to noelle, and i just hope she realizes that before its too late. anyways i'm off to go and sit in a corner now, and think abou all the fucked up things wrong with my life, and all the people that is seem to hurt everywhere i go. maybe hopefully die in that corner as well. goodbye to all. It seems like i'll be all alone again.... wishing and waiting for someone...

Well Dan that was deffinately interesting. I hope you don't get in trouble becasue of me. I should 've hurried up, then we could have made it back to your house before your brother. But thanx for Taking me to get the G1, no1 else ever made that effort. Newaz now i get to go go carting:D. Steph, how do you figure no1 understands you, have you actually tried explaining it in full detail, bet I'd understand. I've had problems like that before...Newaz bet I'm gonna say something wrong soon.TTFN
~*ME*~

i didnt mean annoying. I meant confusing. and I do talk to him but i dont know what to say 1/2 the time, no one really understands how i feel. I really like you Dan:(

Noelle i dont think you have anything to worry about, i'm sure that this guy likes you enough. Most guys dont sting girls along.. at least all the guys i have met. and i dont see how you could think derek is cute... its derek come on... steph you'd understand if you ever met any of my buddys from ajax, and you will meet them once you move here, i throw a party of something and it'll be good. anyways good job on the G1 noelle, i knew you could do it. but for now i'm finished
ciao

hey do you have a problem with me expressing things quickly? I trust you, and shit it's 10 o'clock gotta go get BCP....I only have 3 days till I run out of them, oi, i guess i REALLY need to get more of them this friday.Newaz I can keep my mouth shut if you'd prefer? and i was gonna say if you trust steph then so do I. What stupidity came out of us at lunch? I remeber Dereks mothers milk, and him leaving and the chips, and you getting punched then whinning about it baby:P. Uh and I think thats all, but that was pretty intelligent things in my mind, lol. And what did we learn bout me today? Was that in english with my garbage note or was it something esle? MOOWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, nope I have no clue what I'm doing for halloween, prolly sitting here or handing out candy. but oh well i like the little kids. I think i've seen the other scary movies, go then, and take someone with you...Newaz get an ORANGE face plate, and car if possible:D:P. Oh well, guess i loss that one. Odd , Steph you think he's annoying? I wanna know y too now. Sigh, newaz I guess thats it for me I'm gonna go carve my pumkins, then read my driving book before bed, hehehe, no sleep again:D. So yeah, Dan go see the movie if you want, and Steph talk to him......
~*Me*~

P.S Well Dan do you think he likes me enough, or might he just be stringing me along? And as for Derek....he's cute.....

well noelle, i think that guy will wait for you if he likes you enough, which i'm sure he does. And i think if you both want it to work you too do have a chance. And i'm sure if this guy does like you wont want to lose you to derek. anyways nothing new happened to me today., other then finding out about your life noelle. Oh and that dumbass movie in english i wanted to fall asleep but i couldn't. then lunch was pretty amusing... just palin stupidity coming out of me and derek and noelle. Anyone got plans for halloween yet. I got to drop my brother off at a party and then pick him up again. So i dont know if i'm going out. I want to go and see scary movie 3.... i need to fix my car... and i need to buy a new face plate, and this time red, or i will get one that has some LP design on it. I think i might sell my car at the end of the lease, and buy the same type of car but 2 door Z24 , same year and all, or maybe a year 2002. That way its easy to do shit to my car and it will also look better. I have to do something about my msn freezeing all the time. anyways i dont know what else to say at this point in time other then the fact that as i was typing i all of a sudden signed my self out and closed msn. and steph i dont know why you say i drive you crazy i wish you would explain that to me, and maybe talk to me about how you feel. anyways i'm done on here for now. And noelle i can see you like this blog, cuz you can express anything you want, and your doing it quite quickly.
anyways ciao

Hi didlie do. Hows life going for you guys? That guy kissed me again:D:D:D:D:D:D:D! Think I'm living on cloud nine, it's very nice. Tho i'm supposed to wait before i go out with this guy, you know that whole 1 week per month thing or 1 week for 3 months depend if your the dumper or dumpee, but i don't wanna...But you know what, I guess it is a good idea, I mean then Richard gets time to accept the facts, and I get a little time if i need it...So guess thats mean that no1 can know bout me and him yet can they, I'll have to keep my mouth shut for a while. I'm only telling you guys cuz I trust yous, and I felt like writting it out.
hehehehehehehehehehe, I'm eating Dinosaur jewy snacks, I'm such a kid...and I love it. Wish I could go back to those days, they were so fun...running around with what we thought was late, easy school work, no worrying who you hurt, or hidding things, or jealously, or anything like that. you fought got over it and played again. Oh i just ate the last one. I'm gonna go get another pack...or not, huge head ache I'll just wait for the solid food, IF they ever feed me. LOL! Newaz I'm gonna go bug Derek bout who he thinks I like, and I'll see yous l8r.
~*Me*~

P.S Dan Are you happy? Your a guy, do you think this guy'll wait for a while, till things pass just alittle, or do you think he won't? Do you think that me and this guy have a chance? Or am i just being stupid? Cuz there is always Derek.... :P What's your opinion?

Hi didlie do. Hows life going for you guys? That guy kissed me again:D:D:D:D:D:D:D! Think I'm living on cloud nine, it's very nice. Tho i'm supposed to wait before i go out with this guy, you know that whole 1 week per month thing or 1 week for 3 months depend if your the dumper or dumpee, but i don't wanna...But you know what, I guess it is a good idea, I mean then Richard gets time to accept the facts, and I get a little time if i need it...So guess thats mean that no1 can know bout me and him yet can they, I'll have to keep my mouth shut for a while. I'm only telling you guys cuz I trust yous, and I felt like writting it out.

HOLY SHIT! that was ALOT of reading. Well atleast i'm done it all now. Well idunno what else to say, hmmmm.....guess i could say thanx for driving me home today dan, and I hope i get that giraffe back tomorrow. Ahhh, now i gotta go get my G1 don't i. grumble, well i'm going to just chat wityh ppl now....
~*Me*~

well once again another day goes by, and i'm still happy about the fact that my bumper is gonna cost under $1000, i'm also pleased that i'm going go-karting on the weekend. we are going around 8 - 8:30 pm....... anyways thats about enough out of me for today.

hi guys
dan, sry if someone talked to you on my account last night it wasnt me because I programed my password to the computer and my stepdad and my sister had fun talking to people. I have no privacy at all around here. even tho thats not really a big deal i hate it that i have no privacy. well i have a 1/2 day tomorrow so my friend is spending the night. my dad called me on sunday and we talked about me moving up there and its still gunna happen. Im kinda scared of going to a new school and new friends and stuff but it beats living here. I hope i get to talk to u today dan
-steph

Sigh, well I'm still hanging round with notin better to do, so I'll bother yous. I hope my other post worked cuz it was kinda long and i hate typibg for no reason. And hi steph, I'm Noelle, forgot to say it earlier, hehehe. My back is so stiff, i should prolly go to bed, but i just don't feel like it, so I'm gonna sit here in pain then, sit in my bed upside down, and try not to sleep. Well my dad is coming to bitch so i better beat it, and I'll c u tomorrow Dan, and I'm sory for earlier today.
~*Me*~

P.S When did you yourself figure out the thing you were trying to make me say earlier? Just curious

Well here's how I'll intoduce myself, and my mind...I had an odd day, got a Kiss that i completley did expect, saw one of my best friends, Tyler, for the first time in months. We got to talk bout his new gf, and how not even I could pull him away from her, as we said "Yes the obsession is over". Sounds like i had a good day doesn't it? Well WRRRONG! ~*He gave me a giraffe, and i broke his heart...*~ I broke up with my bf of nine months, and i don't know how i feel bout that. I think I'm just tired of hurting ppl. Everyone I come in contact with I seem to hurt, and I wish I could Just die for that. He didn't deserve anything I did to him. I may not have lied or cheated, but to me I did worse...All I want is to disappear, to go swimming and never come back. I couldn't disapopint my mother that way, or piss my dad off, or hate my sister...As you can see I can't seem to get anything right. No matter what I do or try I'll never be good enough for anyone.
Newaz enough of my rambling, tho it was good to get some of it out, Dan in the long run(if my memory is right) it should cost you 989$ including taxe for the bumber to be replaced. Sigh, i still have a shit load of english and math hmwk to do, and i'm not looking forward to going without any sleep. And Dan I haven't Posted anything yet, because i didn't know what to say, and i've been slowly going through every post. I feel like shit physically, my mind is off in never never land but I'm cold, and soar, and just shitty feelling altogether. Am i just winning or do i make any sense? Prolly...Doesn't seem like we've been having the greatest time of it have we Dan? Oh, and i have to say this now, I don't really approve of you using booze to get rid of everything, it's not healthy, tho i guess there is not much i can do, eh? It's fine for drinking but not hiding from life. Sorry, i know it's none of my business really, and did i spell that right? oh well, well i think i'll just let you guys get back on with your lives now, so you don't have to read about my pathetic one.
~*Me*~

Stop Breaking my heart
cuz I know your not made of steel,
but your not that weak, and you have nothing left to prove,
I'm sorry I can't lie,
I hold on, I can't let go of you, I hold on
The mystery is gone,
I finally know how I feel
Left scared and bleeding by your tears
I promise I'll always, always love you
And no matter what you say, no matter what you do,
No matter what I’m always right behind you

Well I found out today that its gonna cost me upwards of $800 to fix my car, I forget the actual value but its in the 800 range, and then of course there's taxes as wells so I'm looking into about $1000, which isn't too bad cuz I thought I was gonna have to fork over all the money I had which isn't much. And yeah I know I haven't talked to you much steph, but I have been pretty busy and I haven't found time to come online, and when I do I write down what I can in here. This is were I put my thoughts so that I can keep somewhat sane. Outside of here and the trailor I go rather insane, well there's also another point in time, in which I become rather sane, and my worries kinda just leave for that brief period of time, and no it is not when I am drunk although that could also be viewed as one, but that's not what I'm talking about. Right now everything seems to be messed and almost everything is not constant. There are some things that are constant, which is nice aside from the fact that the thing that is constant is disaster. Anyways i dont know if any of this makes sense, but at the same while i'm here i would like to introduce Noelle to the blog, i have known here for a while and over the last two months she really all i've had at school seeing as how everyone else has pretty dropped out or got kicked out. steph dont start getting all afriad on what you can and can not write. Anything that is written in here does not go any further then the people that are part of it. anyways good night to all.
-ciao

P.S. Noelle take alook at the site for this blog, i made it myself. my-december.blogspot.com

hey
I feel like we havent really talked in a while. Like every time u come on u gotta go. Maybe Im just in the wrong place @ the wrong time. how did ur bumper crack??? that sux well i g2g goodnight....
steph

This has been the worse week of my life, I haven't gotten drunk at all... And on top of it I need to replace the bumper of my car, cuz its broken in 3 places. And I don't think warranty will cover that. its gonna cost me so much... i'm so fucked.... i wish someone would shot me now.... this all fucken blows... i think i'll go and crack open my 40 and drink my self to sleep tonight... good night....

hello
I havent heard of those cd's.lol. Im goin to my friend paige's house tonight. it should b fun cuz her parents wont b home either. Man im tierd. I hope i dont do ne thing mean to cats tonight :( I wont tho. I havent drank in so long and when i drank just a little bit last night i wuz gone. we mixed stuff. I think It wuz vodka and mountain dew. it wuz so strong and when i swallowed it , it like burned down my throat!! i think we put to much vodka. Im not leaving to go to my friends 4 another 2 hrs. Im talkin to carlie. I really hope jeannine doesnt turn bi. I dont think she will she luvs guys. well Im gunna get offline and watch tv or sumthin.
bye bye
-steph

ah just got back from chillin with matt and goin to the mall. I bought Shadow Zone by Static-X and i also bought The Greyest Of Blue Skies by Finger Eleven. Too good cds. anyways last night i didn't drink but i did buy another 40 of rum cuz i was out. Tonight i'm gonna drink, but i need to buy some coke first. and i need to take one of my classes.... cuz its the best mixture ever, the glass has to different stages, the first one is the base and i fill that with rum and then the next stage i pour with coke and it creates the perfect mixture. anyways i'm done on here for today...

No offence taken, My family is canadian ne ways :) Last night wuz wierd. I wuznt drunk i only had 1 drink but it seems wierd when i think about it. we walked to get food @ 1 or 2. her parents were gone the whole night. and i kno i didnt smoke but i remember walkin into the other room cuz there were 4 ppl smokin in the garage. and than we watched a gross movie and i dont even remember who wuz there. I remember the movie tho. It wuz about lezbos. but it might have been a dream. lol. well Im getting off. My parents rnt gunna decorate the house 4 halloween so i am. ttyl

-steph

texas chainsaw massacre is a good movie, and no offence steph but damn texans.....

Anyways, so another day goes by, still confused as the last. Some odd events seemed to have occurred either today or yesterday and they just baffle my mind even more. I am so lost in what is going on around me, the people that I care about. I have no idea what to do, what to say, or how to react. I guess I'm kinda just sitting here waiting to be told what to do, and what to think. Last night I realized that I don't think at all. Everything I do is just regurgitate, what I have learnt before. I do not seem to use my brain for thinking. And it is evident cuz when asked to think about something I can't. That's probably why I fail English cuz I analyze essays and novels, and I cant because I cant think for my self. I know it sounds really bad, but believe me its worse then it sounds. I have no idea what to do. I guess I am quite useless.

well 18 and one day old. interesting how every year my birthday comes and goes but i do not feel any different, i do not fell any older. It seems that my actual maturing does not actually come around the time of my birthday, but it comes from the experiences that happen throughout the year. And since, that could be at any time of the year. I conclude that your birthday is nothing more then the day you were born, it is not a day were all of a sudden you are more mature, and more respectable and more intellegent, but it is a day were you celebrate all the maturing you have done within the past year, and you hope that you may continue to mature throughout the next year.
-dan

wow 2:30 on sunday afternoon, last night was interesting, we played frisbee in the rain at like 10:30 and we played right till midnight, it was good, then we chilled and listened to music till 3:30. We smashed the bus shelter window it was good. the only bad part of the night was when kyle last his cell phone. Derek kicked my ass in chess, he beat me with only taking 3 or 4 of my guys and i didn't take any of his. it was pretty sad. we kicked over a couple signs, unearthed some more, and then bent a one way sign all the way around, it was good. Chris and Laura came and picked wagner up, he pissed me off, just as he was leaving he was telling me that he didn't want to come chill with us, but we showed up at his door, so he kinda had too. so hes a bitch, like first off what kind of person does that he could have just said he had other plans, then second you dont say that to someone, espically some you have known since kindergarten. what an ass. anyways steph write back if i dont see you online, i should be on all day cuz i have english shit to do and thats what i'm gonna right now so, cya

well here i go babbling in my useless existence again, wondering whats going to happen to me. There are times when i dont even want to find out i just wish it would all end now. This year english is not proving to be any easier, and i guess if come to the point again were i'm just going to accept failure and deal with it for another year. i wish i could have gotten things right from the start, but i guess thats who i am, i just cant get things right, and when i thing i do, i still dont. Something always has to ruin it for me. I just dont think i'm meant to go anywhere. I'm useless and i know i am, all i'm good for is someone stupid to drink with, someone that will do anything to get a laugh. i dont even know why i'm here writing this, but i guess its cuz theres nothing better to do but sit and wade through my useless existence..... i leave you with these lines from a song called "Giving In" by a band called Adema.......


I look forward, to dying tonight
Drinks still on myself, life's harder every day
The stress has got me
I'm giving in
Giving
Giving in now!

Hey Dan,
yah u should definatly try hard this yr cuz Its important. I have today off of school cuz of columbus day. I had to go to the dentist and there gunna take out my wisdom teeth next week. Im scared cuz i kno its gunna hurt bad. this week has gone by so slow. Well last night me and my friends played soocer against my sister and her friends it wuz so fun. I got to drive too. Well ur probably still @ the trailer cuz of the long weekend. But Im getting off ttyl

bah what a stressfull week, besides all the english shit i had to do, i was busy catching up in discrete math, and then i was also tryign to work out the ISU porject for data management. As far as english goes, this week, i already did one log, and i have one due tomorrow, i just finished an essay that was due on tuesday, or maybe it was last tuesday, either way, i also handed in a revision on one of my responses to a poem. Now all thats left to do is to do is i have to analyse 7 essays and then i have to finish this log that is due tomorrow, but it wont get done in time. And on top of all that, marks came out this week, i'm getting 51% in english, another 51% in discrete math and then 82% in data, at least the last one is good. but that doesn't matter cuz the first two are the ones that count for me, data is an extra course i took just to make my marks get higher, and so far its doing a good job, but if i dont get good in english and discrete i can kiss university good bye and then what. I have to go back to school. but i wont, i refuse to go back to school. its either university or i just go for a straight job and do night school... anyways i'm babbling and i really should be doing this thing for data management so i'm going to...
ciao....

well steph, its been awhile since i have talked to you, i hope your out having fun. anyways i'm out at matts house right now, me john, and derek are pretty drunk, i am the soberist out of all of them, and my car is outside and i gave matt the keys to my car... hehe, matts at the pool hall right now with leslie derek liz chris and laura, me and john are at matts house right now waiting for him. meh anyways i'm gonna go now..... ciao

What you gonna do when shit hits the fan
Are you gonna stand and fight like a man?
Will you be as hard as you say you are?
Or you gonna run and go get your bodyguard?
I said What you gonna do when shit hits the fan?
Are you gonna stand and fight like a man?
And show us you're as hard as you say you are?
Or you gonna run and go get your bodyguard?

thats a great chorus, its from a song called Body Guard by Obie Trice ft. Dr. Dre & Eminem......