i dont know whats going on in this world... all i know is that you like derek and it really bothers me... thats about it... i dont know why it bothers me so much... i mean i haven't really been around you that long... since the begining of school... but something most be making it bother me so much... could it have to do with the way i feel... i dont know whats going on... i wish i did... i wish nothing was going on... i wish i knew what was going on in dereks head... i wish i still had a chance... i wish i could be with the ones i love... "nothing else matters." this week is going on so slowly.. yet its already wednesday and i have the operation tomorrow... i wonder how will it go... will they fuck up and cause my jaw to be permentantly numb... you know life is one big question and surprisingly its not why are we here... but what are we here for... what is our purpuse... without purpose we are nothing... everything has a purpose but what is mine? Everything happens for a reason.. but what is the reason for these events that have befallen me in the last few weeks... what is the cause... what did i do that shit likes this seems to happen to me... i think that the big question is not so much why are we here or what we are here for but "What is the reason...?" apply it to anything... always ask your self what is the reason... you know i believe that i do my best thinking when i am depressed... you should see some of the shit that i spew out of my mouth... some of it written down... some of it lost in time... with most of what is valuable to me... "I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind, I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time, I'm here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams, and tonight its only you and me." so many songs run through my head... they keep up with the thoughts of you... the questions that come with you... the pictures and images of you, your smile, your eyes, your orange hair, the way you make me smile by just looking at me... i try so hard to not show emotions but i cant keep them in forever... as i slowly drift away... remeber the times we have had, remeber the fun we have shared... remeber the glances, the ice cubes, the movies, the giraffes, the blue puppys, the bunnies, the smiles, the laughter, the being bored together, driving my car, remeber alaska, remember the stupid things i have said, the smart things i have said, the sweet things i have said, and even the harsh things i have said, remember all that was us... remeber all that is me, as i slowly drift away.. "this is my december, this is my time of the year, this is my december, this is all so clear, this is my december, this is my snow covered home, this is my december, this is me alone... and i just wish that i didn't feel like there was something i missed, and i take back all the things i said to make you feel like that, and i just wish that i didn't feel like there was something i missed, and i take back all the things i said to you, and i'd give it all away, just to have somewhere to go too, give it all away to have someone to come home too."
-ciao